In the beginning...

Monday Dec 8, 2008
A and I are really trying to create a baby... really. Since my period was over we've been enjoying our practice sessions. And then yesterday I had some interesting discharge, not exactly like my usual ovulation discharge but I figured that we should take advantage of it anyway. So I called A and asked him to join me, and make love to me while my sister's babies were sleeping.

Lately our lovemaking has been great, I think that it has been only getting better and better. Is it due to the lack of a condom? I don't know, it could be due to the fact that the possibility of creating a baby with each other is also a turn on (that's a wee bit weird if you really think about it... so I am not going to think about it too hard).

So today I have been feeling very... 'wet' is the best way to describe it, which means that if I haven't already ovulated, I will be soon. I am getting excited and a bit nervous. I don't feel as though I am totally in the best of shape, but I realise that I have been thinking about changing things and losing weight and being 'perfect' for years and saying that when I get 'there' then I will be ready to start trying to get pregnant. But, I am tired of waiting and I think that it is also an excuse... maybe I am scared to really do this and I have been finding every excuse that I can imagine and here I am, almost 35... and no babies.

Is that because I really didn't want them, or because of some fear that I have had over the years, that makes me stop and not even try. I don't know... but what I do know is that even though I have my fears and my doubts every other day or so... is this the right thing to so? should I be doing this at my age? what the fuck am I thinking!?!... I am still doing it. A part of me really wants to get pregnant in this cycle and another part of me is saying 'not good timing', 'maybe we should wait for a couple more cycles', 'maybe I should finish school first', maybe, maybe, maybe...

Do I have a spirit baby circling around me? Will they come and join us in this next little bit?
How will I be pregnant? How will I be in labor? in birth? Do I want to be surrounded by people? do I want to be left totally alone? Who should be my midwife? Do I want my birth to be educational or just for us?